Crying in the workplace can be embarrassing, but it’s also a sign that you care. Here’s advice on what to do if you get weepy in the office.
This week, much to my embarrassment, I burst into tears during an office Zoom call. A much-loved co-worker announced she is leaving. When I tried to say a few words, I was surprised to hear my voice break, and then …. cue the waterworks.
My reaction to my tears was one of regret and embarrassment. I worried I had made my co-workers uncomfortable and wished I could turn back the clock.
But then it occurred to me that people at work, including some of my company’s most valued top managers, exhibit a range of emotions — both positive and negative — like enthusiasm, joy, frustration, concern and anger. Why is it that crying gets such a bad rap?
A survey of 3,200 workers and executives by Accountemps, a temporary staffing agency, found that 52 percent of respondents had lost their temper at work, suggesting that more than half of those interviewed thought it was acceptable to show anger in the office. Yet 70 percent of the group held negative views about crying at work, ranging from “It’s never OK” to “It’s OK sometimes, but doing it too often will undermine your career prospects.” Only 30 percent felt that crying has no negative effect and shows you’re human.
Research suggests that the consequences of crying at work are often worse for women. Kimberly D. Elsbach, professor in the graduate school of management at the University of California, Davis, said her research has shown that women who cry at work may be perceived as “weak,” “unprofessional” and “manipulative.”
“If they cried repeatedly at work, they became labeled as a ‘crier’ and were often not seen as promotable,” Dr. Elsbach said. “Observers overwhelmingly report feeling uncomfortable when women cry at work.”
Dr. Elsbach noted that she had collected fewer examples of men crying at work, but she did find a double standard. “These observations suggested that men are not perceived as negatively as women if they cry at work,” she said. “Observers of men who cry at work often remarked: ‘Something really bad must have happened to make him cry.’ Thus, the attribution was that external factors cause men to cry, while internal weaknesses cause women to cry.”
A few years ago I spoke with Michelle Lam, founder of the bra retailer True & Co., about an article she had written called When It’s Okay to Cry at Work (And When It Isn’t). Ms. Lam had a more positive take on what it means when someone cries at work.
“Work can be doubly and triply frustrating for women for all the reasons we know, particularly in Silicon Valley,” Ms. Lam said. “There are definitely days when an authentic and confident woman is going to have a reason to cry. Why should she feel ashamed if that emotion comes out?”
Ms. Lam noted that crying at work can build a measure of trust between co-workers, but it can also make those around you uncomfortable. It’s OK to try to ease their discomfort by saying, “pardon my tears,” she said.
Dr. Elsbach told me that she doesn’t think it’s “right or justified” that people judge co-workers and women in particular for crying in the workplace. “I believe that crying is a normal behavior that should not be perceived negatively at work,” she said.
But since it often is, she has advice, based on her research, for how to mitigate any negative effects of an office cry. It can be helpful to leave the situation, she said, or just make a visible attempt to get your tears under control. Try to make sure your cry doesn’t disrupt the work of others. And if your cry does distract others from their work, just apologize. She also noted that the office going-away party is one situation where crying at work is more accepted.
“There is a double standard for the expression of emotion through crying vs. the expression of emotion through other behaviors,” Dr. Elsbach said. “If you cry because you are frustrated, you are perceived much more negatively than if you raise your voice or pound a table if you are frustrated.”
Alison Green, creator of the Ask a Manager podcast and website, said that when a person cries at work, it’s also worth reflecting on what prompted the emotional reaction.
I took her advice and reflected on the reasons behind my tears. The co-worker is an editor with whom I’ve worked for several years, but the past 15 months have been unusually intense. At the height of the pandemic, she and another colleague and I were working together around the clock to produce a voluminous number of stories related to helping readers stay safe and avoid Covid-19. We had a true sense of purpose and mission, and she is a thoughtful and careful editor who made my work better. I don’t think I could have gotten through 2020 without her.
I shared this context with Ms. Green, who said that 2020 was an unusual year for workers. “I sort of throw everything out the window when it comes to emotional reactions for things related to the past year!” she told me. “People have been under so much stress, and so many emotions are so close to the surface. That context makes a difference.”
Whether you are the one crying at work or a witness to it, my best advice is to just talk about it. Own your cry. I shared my embarrassment with a co-worker, who offered these wonderful words of reassurance.
“Your tears expressed friendship and love, and that’s what we all saw,” she told me. “Your emotions made it OK for us to have ours.”
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